The Most Infamous Coats In The History Of Mankind.

This story is just plain weird, and i (honestly) have no recollection of when, why or where i wrote it. Nowadays i call it a tribute to Doctor Who, but that's just an excuse.


“Oh don't be daft,” said the old coat in the wardrobe, “you've never been to Narnia, you haven't been outside this wardrobe since the beginning of the 80's when you were still in fashion.” The other coat didn't answer, she hated it when others tried to make her look stupid.
“Well, don't just hang there, say something, defend yourself you silly rain coat.”
“I'm not a rain coat!” It wasn't the best comeback of the year, but not to bad considering it came from a inanimate piece of fur that technically had been dead for the last 27 years.
“Am too!”
“Am not!”
“Am too!”
“Oh stuff it you two, even if there was a Narnia in here somewhere you wouldn't have been there.” An old, black leather jacket spoke up, his voice slightly cracked, just like the leather.
“Wadda you mean by that?"
“Well, only children are allowed to enter Narnia, everyone knows that.”
“So?”
“Ah well you see, you are a big fur coat. Far to large to fit on a small child. They would simply stumble and fall if they tried to walk around while wearing you.”

Silence occurred.

“You know, he's got a point.”
“Shut up.”
“It's true, you're too big.”
“Hmpf.”
“Excellent comeback.”

Leather jacket speaks up again.

“Now be nice to her, it's only natural that she wants to feel interesting. After all, it isn't all that exiting to be a fur coat. They're awfully out of fashion these days.”
The fur coat feels a mixture of gratitude and embarrassment, so she decides to turn the spotlight elsewhere.
“So, leather jacket eh. Whereabouts are you from then?”
The leather jacket is quiet for a while, he looks like a jacket who has a lot on his mind. Not very different from usual though, a jacket is a jacket.

“I, er, was left here a while back a go. By a man. He had to, i mean, he wouldn't have left me if he didn't have to. But he was busy saving the world.”
The fur coat snorted and whispered a bit to loudly,
“Now see who's seeking attention by telling stupid lies. 'saving the world', blimey, he's a nutter.”
“No it's true, this really is true. You won't believe the things I've seen, the coat racks and chairs I've been hanging on!”

Doubting silence enters the wardrobe.

“Nah, sorry mate, don't believe you.” The other coat speaks up, he's been silent for a while now, and feel like it's his turn to say something clever.
“If he was busy saving the world, how come did he have the time to hang you up inside a nice wardrobe like this?”
The leather jacket is silent for a while, but just to build up the tension.
“He's got a time machine, so taking time is part of his business.”
“Yeah, right. And I'm a pair of trousers.”
“It's true, he really is a hero with a time machine!”
“So, how come i haven't heard of him then?”
“Well, maybe because you've spent the last two decades in here doing nothing?”
“Shut up.”
“Shut up.”
“Did he have a name then?”
“Who?”
“The hero you used to hang around on?”
“Yeah, or not really. He called himself the doctor.”
"Doctor who?"
"No, just the doctor."

“....”

“But he isn't like a doctor with a stethoscope or anything.”
“You can't be a doctor and not have a stethoscope.”
“Well, he has a screwdriver.”
“That's no good, is it?”
“it's sonic.”
“Ah, sonic. That explains it.”
“Explains what?”
“Um, dunno really, just making conversation.”
“Whatever.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“Bugger off.”


R.

My ferret and I.

This is not just a short story, this is a very short story. And it is based on a dream i had, a very strange dream that occasionally still makes me take a look under my bed.

It all started with a 'Ding!'

Like the sound coming from one of those fancy elevators you sometimes find in posh hotels. You know, the ones with a uniformed, bored looking lad whose only job is to press a button, inside.

It came from somewhere under my bed.

I've never been one to ponder, so it was all soon forgotten.

One..

Two..

Three days later i heard someone shuffling around.

Once again it came from somewhere under my bed.

Maybe i should have had a look then, just a tiny peek.

But i didn't.

Four..

Five..

Six days after the 'Ding!' I heard a voice.

'Oy mate, could'ye give us a hand down'ere?'

I stopped chewing on my apple and slowly bent over to see the source of the rude cockney accent.

It was a ferret.

He was wearing a beret and a striped scarf.

And he was carrying two heavy looking paper bags from Tesco.

'Think i might'ave dropped som o'those apples mate, could'ya be a doll an' pick'em up for me?'

I nodded slowly and picked up the four discarded apples.

He held out one of the paper bags for me to drop the apples in to.

And so i did.

Then he sat down the groceries and pushed the button so the doors to the elevator would open up and let him in.

I never noticed before, but there was an elevator under my bed. A very small one.

'Well, thanks mate, guess I'll see ya'round sometime, yeah?'

Again i nodded, dumbfounded.

I didn't know they had paper bags at Tesco.


R.